i don’t have balls

me- “i think You just do this stuff to upset me”

Him- “Do you have have balls? Seriously, do you have balls because I could say the same thing about you.”

Just to clear things up, i don’t have balls. He wants me to speak up so when i speak up or talk more, i say the wrong thing. Pretty much a no fail thing these days.

You know what’s interesting? We get along better at night than we do during the day. We still have a great time together, laughing and playing and joking. We love to spend time together and do everything we’ve always loved to do and the M/s dynamic is just as strong and powerful as it’s always been. There isn’t anything that was there that isn’t there now.

What is there that wasn’t there is my constant worry and that’s what i need to let go of and quickly. It’s impossible for me to concentrate on anything while worrying. i worry too much and He’s more carefree than ever. i need to find that happy medium. Until i can let go of some of this i’ll continue to hurt like i have been and i’ll stay upset about every little thing. None of this is good for us.

i continue to have a servants heart and mind, nothing will ever take that away from me. He says that i act like a robot and my emotions aren’t there. i feel everything inside and somehow they don’t surface. Oddly enough, because i’m feeling them on the inside, i don’t know that they aren’t surfacing. When i’m hurting, i’m hurting so badly that i don’t know that my emotions aren’t showing. i can only assume that i am hurting so bad that it’s obvious. When i’m happy i feel happy and i assume that it shows, do you have to cry to show happy/sad? i laugh so much that i cry and that my head hurts so badly that it feels like it’s splitting open. i am still a robot, He calls me a robot because i sit there and don’t answer Him immediately. i know that i don’t respond right away. i think about my answers and lots of times i stare into space, why does that make me a robot? Then i get flustered. The answer is coming, maybe just not that second. i still have emotions. It’s like demanding emotions makes me withdraw more, let me stare into space and recharge. i’m not trying to be disagreeable, i’m not even thinking, i’m just “being”. i don’t know if i’m an introvert or whatever i am, i don’t need to define it. i am only me. Whatever or whoever i am, there are tons of emotions and thoughts inside me i just might need a moment to answer or react.

That was a lot of mumbling and rambling and i know it didn’t make a lot of sense, the truth is i just needed to get that out. i might even get in trouble for saying what i said. He might get angry if what i said was misleading because i am at fault a lot here also. i just know that the blog was always a place of solace for me and a place where i could come and write about everything and nothing and Master would just let it go. It has changed some over the years though, today i am going back to those journaling days where you just sat down with a pen and paper and pretend that no one but you will read it. Where you write until your hand cramps and your brain hurt. Today is one of those days.

Anyway, my brain hurts and if you’re still with me, you’re a brave soul. =p

Thanks for reading today.

MD’s treasure

Cabin Fever

March Q & A~

To anyone sending questions via my email address~ please let me know if you would like your question posted on the blog. Questions that are more personal i am less likely to post on the blog unless given the A-okay from you to post it! =)

Keep them coming but be specific if you want your question posted please! =)

Master and i had to make a quick run up to the fish store cause our fish got sick and now it’s going to be a pain in the butt to get them better again. It’s common but just a pain to get them all well again.

Master and i continue to struggle some lately, i think it’s just a thing right now. It’s not bad and we’re talking things through but we do seem to be a lot less tolerant of each other more lately than most times. It could just be that we have an old fashioned case of cabin fever, who knows.

As much as i don’t really like summer, i’m looking forward to getting outside some and being able to get more exercise. We both need it. i know that it will be fun to do more “play” stuff outside too. We’ve hardly ever done anything in the pool and i would like to try some type of bondage in the pool. i know we’re limited with privacy but it would be fun to at least play around in there. Setting up a night time camera out there would be a blast while having the pool light on. i don’t even know what is possible but Master did have some silicone/rubber cuffs at one time that He made that would be perfect for that type of setting. The silicone and stainless steel collar would also work great too. Too bad Iowa is only warm for about 4 hours out of the year! hahaha okay it’s not THAT bad! =p

i’m sure it will get better soon, i have faith.

i hope all is well out in blogville!

Peace to you and yours,

MD’s treasure

Yes Master

This week hasn’t been great, it hasn’t been terrible but there are just times when Master and i don’t gel. Master put it pretty well the other night when He said that no matter if i think He’s right i am going to learn, He is right in all situations. Unless something detrimental will happen i need to sit back and learn how to say “yes Master” in all situations, no matter what.

Trouble is, i’m not good at that. When i know i’m right, i don’t want to see Him fail or i don’t want to see something go wrong. The other thing is, i’m not good and trying things a different way, i want to try things “the way i know”. Doing something a different way is not only confusing to me but it’s stepping out of my comfort zone. The thing is that doesn’t matter to Master, what it says to Master is, i am being disobedient. It’s saying to Master and i am digging my feet in and saying “i must do it my way”. The point is, it doesn’t matter why i’m doing it, what matters to Him is that i’m doing it at all. i have to learn to step out of my own little world and completely into His.

We’ve been together long enough for me to know that no matter how hard i think i’m trying, i need to do things His way. It’s much easier said than done. In the heat of the moment, all i see is that i’m trying to help or i’m trying to “do the right thing”. What am i really doing? i’m trying to take over. i’m trying to do *my* thing, not His. i never EVER see it until it’s too late, He’s already mad and i’m already confused about why he’s mad.

Even though our relationship is built on TPE we are still human and we make mistakes. There will never be a time when everything will be perfect, all we can do is keep trying. What amazes me is our ability to bounce back and get back on the horse. i know i still have so much to learn and every time we go through something like this i learn a little more about Master and i learn more about my place.

i have to learn that i’ll never stop learning His way. i don’t know it all and my way might be right some of the time, i know that Master does value my opinion on some things. He just needs me to remember my place. It’s really easy for me to get over zealous.

Peace to you and yours,

MD’s treasure

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