me- “i think You just do this stuff to upset me”
Him- “Do you have have balls? Seriously, do you have balls because I could say the same thing about you.”
Just to clear things up, i don’t have balls. He wants me to speak up so when i speak up or talk more, i say the wrong thing. Pretty much a no fail thing these days.
You know what’s interesting? We get along better at night than we do during the day. We still have a great time together, laughing and playing and joking. We love to spend time together and do everything we’ve always loved to do and the M/s dynamic is just as strong and powerful as it’s always been. There isn’t anything that was there that isn’t there now.
What is there that wasn’t there is my constant worry and that’s what i need to let go of and quickly. It’s impossible for me to concentrate on anything while worrying. i worry too much and He’s more carefree than ever. i need to find that happy medium. Until i can let go of some of this i’ll continue to hurt like i have been and i’ll stay upset about every little thing. None of this is good for us.
i continue to have a servants heart and mind, nothing will ever take that away from me. He says that i act like a robot and my emotions aren’t there. i feel everything inside and somehow they don’t surface. Oddly enough, because i’m feeling them on the inside, i don’t know that they aren’t surfacing. When i’m hurting, i’m hurting so badly that i don’t know that my emotions aren’t showing. i can only assume that i am hurting so bad that it’s obvious. When i’m happy i feel happy and i assume that it shows, do you have to cry to show happy/sad? i laugh so much that i cry and that my head hurts so badly that it feels like it’s splitting open. i am still a robot, He calls me a robot because i sit there and don’t answer Him immediately. i know that i don’t respond right away. i think about my answers and lots of times i stare into space, why does that make me a robot? Then i get flustered. The answer is coming, maybe just not that second. i still have emotions. It’s like demanding emotions makes me withdraw more, let me stare into space and recharge. i’m not trying to be disagreeable, i’m not even thinking, i’m just “being”. i don’t know if i’m an introvert or whatever i am, i don’t need to define it. i am only me. Whatever or whoever i am, there are tons of emotions and thoughts inside me i just might need a moment to answer or react.
That was a lot of mumbling and rambling and i know it didn’t make a lot of sense, the truth is i just needed to get that out. i might even get in trouble for saying what i said. He might get angry if what i said was misleading because i am at fault a lot here also. i just know that the blog was always a place of solace for me and a place where i could come and write about everything and nothing and Master would just let it go. It has changed some over the years though, today i am going back to those journaling days where you just sat down with a pen and paper and pretend that no one but you will read it. Where you write until your hand cramps and your brain hurt. Today is one of those days.
Anyway, my brain hurts and if you’re still with me, you’re a brave soul. =p
Thanks for reading today.