Mother’s Day

By my own admission, this day seems to get harder and harder every year.  i don’t have a Mom anymore to celebrate for and that was always something i really enjoyed doing.  One year we all went to a very fancy restaurant on the river in Oregon, IL called Maxson Manor.  The name of it just came to me last night, it’s still open and even looks like they’ve done some expanding.  It’s nice to know that some small places are able to stay open through the tougher times.  my Mom loved it so much that the next year i decided that even though everyone wasn’t available, i would take my Mom and Grandma and i would treat them.  It felt good to be able to do that and i know my Mom loved it too.  It was a beautiful place right on the river and back then it was all done in pinks and lilac colors of the early 90’s so my Mom and Grandma just loved the decor! =)

Another year for Mother’s Day i bought some little bacon wrapped fillets and grilled out for just myself and my Mom.  She didn’t care what i spent or what i got her, it was the effort.  i didn’t realize the steaks were a small size, i didn’t know anything about that at the time, i just saw what they were and they were a good price and looked beautiful so i bought them.  Apparently my sister knew because when she saw them sitting out on the counter she said something like “oh you got little 6oz steaks”? or whatever they were 8oz, maybe? i don’t remember.  my Mom was furious.  Until she said something, i really didn’t know they were small and i’m sure my Mom had no intention of saying anything.  Because of course what followed was me saying to my Mom that i was sorry, i didn’t know and that we could get something else to go along with them…. yadda yadda.  i’m pretty sure my Mom could have killed my sister.  We had a wonderful dinner despite that and the steaks turned out amazing, even though before she left my sister also had to interject how difficult it was to grill such a thick cut of meat.  That’s when i DID say in a very matter of fact, shut the F up sort of way… “i know how to grill” i made the mistake on the meat but i know how to grill.  The grilling part is just common sense and that i have in spades.  It’s not very often i will pat myself on the back but one thing i have is common sense, it’s how i’ve navigated my entire life.

Mother’s Day to me will always be all about my Mom and Grandma, flowers, brunch, dinner, cards and of course, eventually it became all about Master’s Mom.  She was fun to celebrate for too and i was very happy to have her. It was a little different to celebrate with Master’s Mom because we were always getting together for one thing or another so celebrations so of lost their luster.  i am thankful for that now.  So thankful to say that we got together too much to know what we were celebrating for.  That was a true blessing.

Now that they are all three gone, it’s hard looking back, i am thankful for the good times and i see the cards and flowers and beautiful smiling faces.  i just can’t help but feel the loss and the hole that will always be there.  i was 40 and it was just this time of year eight years ago that i lost my one chance.  It wasn’t meant to be, i know that. Still,  i can’t help but think that i’ll never see painted pictures hanging from the frig saying “Happy Mothers Day”. i won’t have pancakes made for me with egg shells in them or syrup running down the dishwasher.  Most days i can deal with it but there will always be a hole and the older i get the harder it is to see everyone i know with their families growing.

i’m sorry, i am happy for them, i truly am.  It’s not right for me to focus on myself when i should be spending time being joyful for them and being happy for what i do have.

One year ago this little one showed up at our yard sale and decided she’d stay.  Little did we know how much we would need her…..

This is Pixie one year later and much more at home.

pixieHappy Mothers Day.  i’m sorry this was such a sucky post.  i never know what i’m going to write when i sit down to write, or not usually anyway. i shouldn’t have bummed you out.  i guess i felt worse about it than i really knew and now i feel bad because i wrote such a bummed out sucky post.  Anyway, i hope everyone has that kind of Mother’s Day i wrote about that i used to have with my Mom.  The kind where your kids do extra special things for you and spend a ton of time with you.  Better yet, the kind where you just hang out with them and it’s a normal day because you’re always hanging out with them anyway! =)

Peace to you and yours,

MD’s treasure

2 comments to Mother’s Day

  • anonymous

    Hi, Treasure. I’ve been reading you for years and comment from time to time (I’m pretty shy). I can relate to this post a lot. Mother’s Day makes me sad. I lost my mom when I was a young girl and my grandmother (who raised me) when I was 16. Every year I hate this day in May, because it reminds me so much of the women I should be celebrating with.

    I am not yet 30 and I know I will not ever have a child. My husband and I can’t conceive, and I just don’t want to explore the other options. The love he gives me is so wonderful. It is something that people search their whole lives for, and I know how lucky I am to have him in my life. Still, I sometimes feel sadness and regret that I will never have a sweet child to raise and call me mom.

    Like you were, I am in the medical field and I choose to dedicate my life to serving others. I read here how patient you are with the elderly, how caring and giving you are to those in your life… I just want you to know that I can relate to how you felt when you posted this. We may not bring another soul into this world, but with caring hearts like ours, we help those who are already here. We sacrifice, we work hard and we spread the love. And isn’t this what mothers do? There might not be a special day to appreciate you and I, but I know we DO make a difference.

    Thank you for all that you share, and in your own words, “peace to you and yours”.

    -A fan

    p.s. As long as I am commenting, I have to ask…will you ever make an updated closet/shoe tour? Preferably video? I just LOVE seeing your different outfits in photos!

  • Hi there and thank you for reading, first of all. i know it’s difficult to comment, i don’t know why i’ve always found it so hard to go to someone’s blog or Facebook wall and comment, but i have. For me, the only place i’ve ever felt comfortable writing on line, is here. i don’t even like writing on my own Facebook wall. So i love that you felt comfortable enough to comment!

    Secondly, i have to thank you for your beautiful words. They mean a lot, i know people say that all the time, but i’ve read this comment many times just to really take it in. i have never spoken with anyone else who was able to feel what i was feeling. Mother’s Day is very difficult and Christmas is hard for me too, but that’s for another day.

    i would like to think that i’ve helped a few people along the way but i tend to forget about that i guess. One day turns into the another and i’ve forgotten what i’ve done the day before. It never feels like enough, but you’ve made me think about it another way. Thank you.

    We don’t have any plans to post pics or a video like that but that doesn’t mean we can’t. The closet and my summer/winter clothes truly need an overhaul so this is a good excuse to get in there an get moving. We’re trying to get rid of things i can’t wear anymore so there will be a lot of pictures taken when we go through that process. Let me talk to Master and see what we can come up with!

    Thanks for commenting, i hope to hear from you again!

    take care,
    treasure

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